Idea and Opening Statements

Anyone who had seen a pro sports telecast anytime over the last 18 years or so (and i only choose that number because that is when i first heard awful Chris Berman commentary) knows that ESPN and the rest of the sporting stations have been invaded by anchors and analysts who care about putting their own opinions out into the ears of their eager and altogether unintelligent audiences then making sense.

Keys Break: Were I a bad sports journalist i would have made that line both catchier and dumber by calling what reporters say their "two cents" instead of their oppinions, thereby playing off of the fact that cents and sense are homophones, and praying on anyone dumb enough to think that since two words in the same sentence sound the same, that sentence is cool.

Back to my origenal point, the idea for this blog came to me in a flash. One day my friend had shown me a site called fire joe morgan, and we laughed for hours. Later that same day, I was watching my beloved Phillies play against the Giants, and oppose a man who may yet be known as the greatest pitcher of our generation. Lets call him ShTim ShLincecum. When what to my wondering eye did appear at the bottem of my screen, but the dreaded Gary "large and in charge" "Sarge" Matthews "Phillies Keys to the Game". I will reproduce them here for you, with no editing. They are in bold. My comments are not.

Another Cy Young award winner on the bump for the Giants

um, ok, so... your first "key" to acheiving victory on the field of play is to tell us that the pitcher we are facing is good. Wait, my bad. Not just good, but Cy Young good. Ok. You were tired the night before, and Mrs Matthews didn't want you to stay out late, but come on man! That is like saying, the key to eating ice cream is: you will probably get brain freeze. Now you are just scaring me. I KNOW that ShTim is one of the best pitchers in the league, but would it kill you to say, hey, maybe wait on his change up, because it is easier to hit then his curve or fastball? But no, you boldly refused to subscribe to providing helpful commentary. Instead, you meerly pointed out that we are playing someone good, and made the Phils line-up want to collectivly shit thier pants. Have fun with that brain freeze people, because Sarge KNOWS that it will happen. However, this was nothing compared to the next doozie. I leave you, hopefully-soon-to-be-faithful readers, with the dumbest "key" before or since.

Go home with a win

Stellar advice there gary! Who would have thought that the key to winning the game was to (shocker) WIN THE GAME!!!!!!! We may as well hit the bars early, not that the Phillies have the secret to success! There is no WAY we can possibly lose knowing, that the key to winning is WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!@><31@!$!$!#,1!

but i digress. This is the kind of shit that makes me mad. That Sarge is not alone in his quest for journalistic non-excellence. Yes I'm looking at you Joe Morgan, Skip Bayless, Joe Buck, and the king of shoddy journalism, Jim "What do you think I am overcompensating for?" Rome.

So thats it essentially. I'll try to post here as often as possible and shake thing up in the world of sports. Or at the very least, provide a few laughs while the world goes to hell on the coat tails of idiots like Woody Paige, or that racist chick who said Tiger Woods should be lynched. You guys suck alot, and when you do, I (with the help of my trusty companions) will point it out.

cheers,

The Big Spinner

p.s. Yes, for everyone who is wondering, we did steal the idea for this site from FireJoeMorgan.com, but believe me when i say it was out of love and respect, and not some whorish ploy to capitalize on their success. I mean it.

p.p.s. the first cy young winner in question for the Giants the night before? Barry "Zen Master" Zito, who won his award 7 years ago. I'm quaking.

p.p.p.s. I am keeping my identity hidden. For obvious reasons to anyone who had seen jim rome fight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HNgqQVHI_8

the man is a beast.